Groom Humor
A few humorous words of advice for the husband-to-be

By David Williams

If the saying holds true, then every dog does indeed have his day, but every prospective groom should understand that your wedding day belongs to your bride. You're a dog destined for a day spent smiling, accepting congratulatory shows of affection from friends and relatives, and basically just doing what you're told.

Follow these simple instructions, and you will have provided yourself with a springboard toward matrimonial bliss. Fail to heed these words of warning, and you would be wise to grab a shovel, because you'll be digging yourself out of a hole for years to come.

Keep in mind that you haven't been planning this day in every spare second of your life from the time you were 12 years old. No. You were perfectly content hanging out with your sweetheart, going to the movies and preparing the occasional romantic dinner. Then you were told she would be needing a little more of a commitment from you. A life — yours — would be sacrificed if this relationship were to continue.

So, blinded by her beauty, hopefully — if not, I'm sure you have your reasons — you convinced yourself to take the plunge and soon found yourself on bended knee yammering gibberish about two halves making a whole and your life being incomplete without her presence in it, etc., etc., etc.

And now you're thinking about your wedding day, and she's purchased every available bridal magazine. As she flips through the pages of those magazines, she'll ask your approval on a variety of wedding-related issues — colors, invitations, flowers, her wedding dress, your tuxedo.

This, friends, is a trap.

Although it may seem as though she's reaching out to you in an effort to include you in the planning, your opinion is really not wanted, and it certainly won't be appreciated. Find out what she thinks is best and agree with her. It will save you the tremendous pain and humiliation that would otherwise come when you produced well-thought-out ideas only to have them mocked and labeled as the stupidest thing she has ever heard.

Trust me on this one.

If your fiancée insists on dragging you along to shop for wedding invitations or flowers, simply smile, nod and volunteer to carry things. There are always things that need to be carried somewhere. Find them.

You will notice a rather large number of responsibilities in the initial planning stages, but be encouraged by the fact that this laundry list will be pared down quickly, leaving you with a few months of tranquility — the calm before the storm, so to speak.

As her big day approaches, you will be asked to produce a list of friends and family members you would like to invite to the wedding. I recommend taking an "inverted pyramid" approach to developing this list. At the top of the list should be the people in your life whom you wouldn't want to miss this moment for the world.

From there, gradually list those closest to you in their order of importance. The bottom of your list is sure to be trimmed as part of a proposed "compromise," so be sure this includes only those of minimal importance to you. That way, you won't feel so bad when they are ruled unnecessary.

Be sure to maximize the opportunities for fun that you can get away with because they are associated with the traditional wedding. I am speaking, of course, of the bachelor party — your last chance to get the guys together for one final (and totally fake) attempt at clinging to your freedom.

Your fiancée may try to convince you that the bachelor party concept is outdated. Point out to her that tradition is important to you and that you cannot overlook even this simple rite of passage if your wedding is to be perfect. (Now you're speaking her language.)

Before doing anything at your bachelor party that has the potential to jeopardize your impending nuptials, ask yourself this question: "Is this really worth the trouble I am sure to find myself in?"

If the answer is no, then don't waste your time.

Assuming you survive your bachelor party, you will find yourself at the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner. Barring a severe hangover, these should be two very easy functions for you. Do what you're told during the rehearsal, and enjoy your last supper.
You've now arrived at her big day.

Help her make the most of it by showing up on time and performing like a champion. Remember what it took to get you there. §

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